I just haven't met you yet

Sing me this elegy when we meet and receive eternity.

I never really search,
Because I don't have the guts,
But deep down I know,
That I've been making a vow,
To live happy in my own way,
But can I when you're so far away?,
If the world never met us up,
If the fate was written you will not show up,
I'll wait for you in the afterlife,
And that is my biggest sacrifice,
It's enough to know God is fair,
That He had created you to be there,
Even when we can't meet here,
I'll wait for you in the heaven dear,
And after all the years I've wait,
I know,
I just haven't met you yet.

day 94#

About Eternity

I taught myself not to believe in such thing. Because I convinced myself there's no such thing. But I was wrong, I admit. Now I believe in eternity. I don't really believe in eternal life, it's impossible. God gave lives and promised death. That's one thing for real. But what I do believe in is eternal love. Some people wonder, how could there be an eternal love if one could not have an eternal life ? I'd say death will break you apart but love remained in your heart. If your love towards someone is strong enough, death is only about the lost of your soulmate but it's not about the end of your love. You will keep on loving no matter what happen. You will keep on loving as you always do. The only thing that changed is, the appearance of the people you love. But love never change. It's an eternal feeling. I wished for that.

day 95#

Dead but Alive

The only fear I'll get when you're talking about death is...

The fact of leaving my love ones. I feared they wouldn't remember me all the time like it used to be, just because I'm not by their sides. I feared the wouldn't feel lost at all, just because I didn't put a total impact to people's lives. And what I feared the most is, once I was buried, no one will ever look back at me. I don't want to be dead dead. I want to die being alive. Like dead but alive. Alive by the memories I've created. Alive by the smiles I've once flashed. Alive by the words I spoke.

But I'll be the happiest corpse in the ground if people remember me by the songs I used to sing, and they hate me for that because I'd ruined the song. And if people see me in every of my favorite spot because they miss me so much they've hallucinate. I want to be loved even if I'm not there to give anything back in return. I want to feel appreciated even when I'm dead. I hope I die alone. I hope the memories I've created, the love I've evolved, the tears I've wiped, the happiness I've felt, wouldn't die with me. They stay in the world until apocalypse come, keep reminding the people I love the I once had lived. Amin.

day 96#

Peace

I'm calm. I'm at peace. I feel safe. Everything turns out the opposite of what it used to be. I asked God things, and it never came true. But now it did. One by one, along with smiles and more trusts. I'm truly happy with my life, no kidding. And at last I feel like living again. Forget the used-to-be-dead me, now I say, live your life to the fullest. You might die tomorrow and life's too short to be regretted. Make some memories you can reminisce when you're in heaven. And lessen the mistakes you might remorse when you're in hell. Live your life like you're dying, I can't agree less. Even when you know you gonna die today, it's never too late to be happy. I'm happy. And if I die, I want to die happy.

I feel safe and secure. God's on my side, why wouldn't I ?

day 97#

The laughs, The tears and The secrets.

There are secrets that I keep to myself, my entire life,
But not anymore, I can't seem to hide anything from you guys,
There are laughs I laughed that really amuse me,
But laughing with you guys never feel dull though for the thousandth times,
There are tears I shed all alone, I felt weak,
But crying with you guys doesn't make me feel weak, it somehow makes me stronger,

What you said to me about being friends forever is a great news.
I finally felt appreciated. I just hope it's not too late :'(

day 98#

It Happened

The next day, I went to school as usual. It was Friday. So we had this Yassin recitation. After we finished recite the Yassin and all the prayers, it's time for Ustaz to give us a peep talk, as usual. And this time, it's about death. The reason we recited the Yassin was for someone who died two days back, after all. So my Ustaz went on talking about all this death thingy. I don't really pay attention to him. But then, he started to talk about the symptoms of dying, according to Islam. Still, I don't really listen. He went on. And he said the first one is when someone feel cold and started to shake after Asar, nearing dusk. I'm like okay, whatever. Then, he said the second one is when one's body, any part of it shake without control. It shakes by itself. And I'm like, what? Since the moment he said that, I couldn't wait to go out from the hall and talk to Suraya, the person who saw my cheeks shaked, the day before. After it finished, we went back to class, I hurried up to meet Suraya. But Suraya didn't come to school that day. So I told my concerns to Nisa, instead of waiting for Suraya. She said maybe I was thinking too much of it. She asked me to meet Ustaz, to ask him about all this. But I refused. So, this is the day I started to think of death. Truth be told, I'm truly scared. I'm praying...

day 99#

Beginning

In the name of Allah, the most gracious the most merciful.

I made this blog just because I feel like I'm dying.

All this dying things are scary, seriously. I'm scare and keep thinking of it. It's like a curse, keep haunting me. So this all started on 23rd of September this year (2010). When I started to feel my cheeks shaking all by itself. Just like that. I never felt that way before. My best friends gave an immediate respond to it because she saw it too. It's like shaking real hard and it went on for several times before it stopped. I completely ignored it 'cause I didn't think it would mean something. Well, I was wrong. It did mean something. Maybe.

day 100#